"Will you be my baby girl forever?" I asked Virginia, only to be told "No Mommy, I'm a big girl, remember?"
Oh my sweet girl, I remember. I remember very well. What I don't remember is your babyhood. I seem to only be able to remember today, or yesterday. I have a difficult time recalling what she was like as a baby and who she was back then... my sweet big girl.
We were nestled together on my bed, her favorite sleeping spot when Daddy is at work. Her soft hair tickled my nose and cheeks as I breathed in the smell of her, her fingers intertwined in mine pulling my arm tighter around her in a snuggle, as I tried to hold on to the moment, to etch it in my heart, mind and soul forever while knowing like all other memories, it would sooner or later be lost to me.
Listening to her suck her thumb in the dark, I thought about the hundred things still needing to be done before I could drop my exhausted body into bed beside her for the night: laundry, shower, clean the bathroom, tidy the kitchen, finish the dishes, catch up on emails and current events, workout, sweep, mop, take out the trash, declutter some more, work on extra cash flow for the home, et cetra...
A hundred things to do, but I knew the most important one was to just be. I knew I needed to soak up the moment. I also desperately needed a shower, but then realized that someday she will care if I'm sticky from sweat and if I smell bad and also not want to be so physically close to me because she won't "need me", and so for this moment that she didn't care what I smelled like, I needed to just snuggle. She was totally relaxed in my arms, loving me, just trusting that I would be with her.
Unconditional love and trust.
The way of a child toward a loving parent.
It was like a light bulb turned on in my soul, and for what felt like the first time, I understood what Faith is meant to be...
Jesus says "Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3).
Children unconditionally love and trust. They don't allow the mess ups from the day, or the pain of discipline, or the hurt of failure, rejection, or let downs alter their feelings toward their loving parent. They wrap themselves up in their parent's arms with the security of their faith in their parents, unadulterated and unbiased by their environment.
Tears stung my eyes as I realized how far from His idea of faith I've been living. Then for a moment I felt Peace... none of the anxiety or panic that have been my constant companion this last year, just calm. The weight of the world being lifted for a moment was like getting a sip of cold water on a hot day. So incredibly refreshing.
Pondering this God Breeze leaves me wondering what the application of this kind of unconditional love and trust in Christ looks like... how do I apply it to daily life? How do I remember to just be with Him in my darkest moments of anxiety?
I can't even make it to the grocery store by myself because of the fear of a panic attack... and yet I'm supposed to unconditionally love and trust God. It seems so simple to write it out, but I'm struggling to picture what real life application looks like.
I have no real closing thoughts on this... just continuing to ponder what my life with childlike faith in Christ should be like, and praying for guidance and peace while getting there.