A little too late.

In the moments after a harsh word comes out of my mouth, or too firm a grip on my girl that makes her squirm with pain... That's when I get my check. My "oh crap, Alex, this isn't you. This is not who you want to be. This is not the mother you want to become" moments make me hot inside, burning with shame, burning with the guilt that I can't undo what I've done, and worse than that, I can't undo Virginia's perspective of me. 

At that point it's too late to take it back, too late to be gentle, quiet and loving. Too late to set the best example for my daughters on appropriate interactions with others. 

Even after apologizing to her, the knowledge that I'm sure to mess up soon and overreact again is hard for me to swallow. 

When Virginia comes to talk to me about the incident, and the memory brings her to tears and she can't control the trembling of her bottom lip... It leaves me heartbroken.

Parenting is tough. You don't get a manual with your baby. Just a lot of love, excitement, and fear. You hold that fresh human for the first time. The smell is intoxicating. You get high just being around her. Then your brain begins to function. 

"What if I screw up? What if I raise a child who, despite my best efforts, picks a life path contrary to her upbringing. Oh Lord... Her upbringing! How can it be any good if I can't be a consistent, patient momma??" I had the best intentions. I'd seen how others parented, so I knew exactly how I would do it so my kids wouldn't turn out like "those" children. 

Jeeze, speaking from personal experience, childless people are so judgmental. 

I have a child who pushes other kids, sometimes bites, sometimes pees in random places for what seems like the fun of it (so yes, my house smells just like one of "those" houses I knew I'd never have), and a million other sin traits. 

Guess what though? I've had a 20 year head start on her as far as developing sin traits. No, I don't pee in random places for the fun of it, but won't deny that it hasn't happened in the past.

I loose my temper quickly, am quick to judge, can be unfeeling and cold, ungrateful and many other things I'd rather not list.

Tonight I was in a decent (low?) enough place to realize my brokenness and be able to ask God for help with her, my temper, my attitude towards her, and forgiveness.  Praying with her for both of us helped the situation waaay more than a broken hearted apology from me. She still got the apology though. 

That's when I realized what it wasn't too late for: It wasn't too late to use my failings to turn myself to Christ. It wasn't too late to turn her towards Christ. Does she fully understand forgiveness of God and faith in Jesus? I don't know. I just know it was the right thing to do. 

Somehow He turns ashes into beauty. And if He can redeem a situation that I've basically thrown downhill, then I need to get good at getting out of the way so He can work. 

I am working on being like Jesus. What kind of a mother would He have been? That's who I want to be. 

Peace,

Alex

Elimination Communication, a.k.a. Potty Training

Here's a post I never finished from 10/12/2011:


4 dirty diapers from 9am to 10:15am. 1 dirty diaper from 10:15am to 3:30pm. 2 dirty diapers from 3:30pm to 8:45pm. And many, many, successful trips to the potty in between.

Aside from the fluke this morning with the 4 diapers, that's a pretty good day as far as potty training an infant goes.
I am so impressed at how well Virginia goes potty in the toilet. She knows the cue sound we have for her, and goes (or at least tries to go) every time we take her to the bathroom. Sometimes there's just a few drops, which tells me that she's trying to go, and sometimes it just keeps coming and coming, which tells me she was holding it.

We began the process when she was a newborn. Every time we could tell she was going to the bathroom we would give her the cue noise we chose to teach her to associate the noise with the action of her releasing her bowels.

Hello Again!

Finally reunited with my blog! It's an understatement to say that it has been neglected. Not that I was a great blogger to begin with, but I hope to get better at posting occasionally.
A lot has happened since my last post. Joseph was hired by a local law enforcement agency as a Patrol Officer. He has worked hard to reach this goal, and I am very proud of him!
Baby girl #2 is 6 months old. We were blessed with the birth of Vita Marie in April, and life since then has been busy! Having two children that are 2 years and under, plus adjusting to Joseph's new career, has been pretty challenging. However, I feel like we've finally found a balance and good rhythm.

My goal is to post every now and then, hopefully with pictures.


Blessings!
Alex