At that point it's too late to take it back, too late to be gentle, quiet and loving. Too late to set the best example for my daughters on appropriate interactions with others.
Even after apologizing to her, the knowledge that I'm sure to mess up soon and overreact again is hard for me to swallow.
When Virginia comes to talk to me about the incident, and the memory brings her to tears and she can't control the trembling of her bottom lip... It leaves me heartbroken.
Parenting is tough. You don't get a manual with your baby. Just a lot of love, excitement, and fear. You hold that fresh human for the first time. The smell is intoxicating. You get high just being around her. Then your brain begins to function.
"What if I screw up? What if I raise a child who, despite my best efforts, picks a life path contrary to her upbringing. Oh Lord... Her upbringing! How can it be any good if I can't be a consistent, patient momma??" I had the best intentions. I'd seen how others parented, so I knew exactly how I would do it so my kids wouldn't turn out like "those" children.
Jeeze, speaking from personal experience, childless people are so judgmental.
I have a child who pushes other kids, sometimes bites, sometimes pees in random places for what seems like the fun of it (so yes, my house smells just like one of "those" houses I knew I'd never have), and a million other sin traits.
Guess what though? I've had a 20 year head start on her as far as developing sin traits. No, I don't pee in random places for the fun of it, but won't deny that it hasn't happened in the past.
I loose my temper quickly, am quick to judge, can be unfeeling and cold, ungrateful and many other things I'd rather not list.
Tonight I was in a decent (low?) enough place to realize my brokenness and be able to ask God for help with her, my temper, my attitude towards her, and forgiveness. Praying with her for both of us helped the situation waaay more than a broken hearted apology from me. She still got the apology though.
That's when I realized what it wasn't too late for: It wasn't too late to use my failings to turn myself to Christ. It wasn't too late to turn her towards Christ. Does she fully understand forgiveness of God and faith in Jesus? I don't know. I just know it was the right thing to do.
Somehow He turns ashes into beauty. And if He can redeem a situation that I've basically thrown downhill, then I need to get good at getting out of the way so He can work.
I am working on being like Jesus. What kind of a mother would He have been? That's who I want to be.
Peace,
Alex
